Video that says it all - Part 1

Sorry for some of those who can't see this video,it's Torn by Natalie Imbruglia.

You can go to youtube.com and search for it. Or try this link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bPndxNNKfA

Either way, these are the words, which I how I feel before the moment I decide to crawl my ass out of bed and start my day:

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn.

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor
Youre a little late, Im already torn

I'm no expert, but.....

I think hubby's been having what they call a midlife crisis. I was just thrown because I thought that didn't happen until 50 something. I've been googling around and he seems to have many of the classic symptoms, irritability, roller coaster emotions, insomnia, self medication, feeling "lost", a sense that time is running out on him; he's lost a lot of weight and is tailoring his suits. He's very concerned about his appearance. And of course, he walks in and sees me sitting on the couch watching Oprah, not exactly the little hottie he met 10 yrs ago. We're not where we thought we'd be, still renting, no child, too much debt and not enough disposable income to buy first without looking at the tag or waiting for half price sales. I don't make a lot of money, still waiting for my big break and living paycheque to paycheque. So, it's all my fault or at least I'm a handy target.

I have no idea if he realizes this or even if he did, would it make any difference? I expect it wouldn't. "Oh, I'm having a mid life crisis, a bit early, I feel so much better now!" If he's hellbent on looking at me like an anchor around his neck, then there's not much I can do about it. Love, patience, understanding can be extended but it's up to him if he accepts it.

I'm learning to look at this as an opportunity to redefine my life. Unlike my husband, I do have interests and pursuits of my own, so I've managed to learn how to revitalize my spirits and remain hopeful about life. I think he's mainly been concerned about taking care of me and my happiness which is probably why he's so unhappy. I've got strategies to cope with stress, and so I look to them now. I would prefer not to spend my morning hours sweating on a very uncomfortable bike, but hey, if it improves my health and gives me a shot at buying a new wardrobe, what the hell? I'm in. And my Buddhist practise refreshes me, gives me hope, keeps me strong. I'll keep trying to reach the wisdom that I know is there. If he's done taking care of me, then I need to take care of myself. I already know I'm a strong woman. I'm tired of viewing myself through his eyes. He can't see too well at the moment, so why should I trust his vision?

I'll be there for him, but not as a whipping boy or doormat. I wonder if it's occurred to him that he's not the adoring, playful, uncomplicated young man that I used to know?

Victory!

I got my wish today - showed up for the pre dawn spin class and guess what - it was cancelled due to a family emergency. Yay! I mean that's terrible! But yes I stayed and worked out as hard as I could anyway. I was rewarded for my saintliness - at my weigh in I had lost 4 lbs! I could have cried. So apparently I am not a freak of nature and I can lose weight. I just have to work out like a dog to do it. Alright. Bring it on then, bitch!

A man's point of view

I went back to the doctor to discuss my test results, and phew, no diabetes, but I am anemic. Just how anemic is another blood test. Having fibroids, thus excessive bleeding during menstruation, makes it worse. Well, I have been waking up exhausted for so long that I'm used to it, but it's back on the iron citrate train for me. I stopped taking it at some point and the basic multivitamin doesn't cut it. I started taking this after a naturopath prescribed it for me as it's as effective as the basic iron, but no constipation side effect. It is however way more expensive. So the thyroid levels are fine, so that's not stopping me from losing weight, just good old slow ass metabolism, I guess. I seem to have picked up a stubborn dry cough,too.

During my hours of surfing, I started looking for blogs on marriage difficulties and I found this old one by a 40ish year old guy. Now, granted it was all from his perspective but I found it compelling that once he had made up his mind to leave, that was that. He had been depressed and miserable with his wife and mother of his child. They stopped having sex after the birth of their child. That really seemed to be the issue for him. According to him she wasn't the woman he married anymore. Once he worked up wth nerve to tell her he wanted to leave, he just wanted to get on with his life so he could be happy again and wanted her to do the same. She did not want a divorce however, but apparently it went as amicably as could be expected. Not once did he mention why he married her in the first place. He never spoke about the love he once had for her or what they shared. I did get the sense he thought he had been sold a bill of goods, to speak and that women misrepresent themselves and then once they marry, they turn into someone else.

Mmmm, interesting. Is this representative of how men think? I was talking to a male friend and he said men find it easier to move on and following a breakup they're often re-coupled within months, and it takes women years to get over things. They just check out at some point and then justify why things are "over".

I certainly hope that's not what going on in my husband's head. He's been very articulate with me about how he feels, and he makes a lot of sense. I don't want things to go on like they have in the past though. I want to see this a sign that we can make things better. I'd like improve my health, get my groove back and live life to the fullest. I want to fulfill all my dreams and be strong and independent so that no matter what happens, I'm not left feeling like I can't take care of myself.

Spinning in Denial

Well, it's Monday morning and has been for quite some time. I woke up late, but I opted to drive so I made it to my 6:30am spinning class. Hubby was actually reaching for me to come back to bed. And for a second, I thought, oh yeah back to the warmth of my bed, but no, I splashed water in my face, threw on my gear and left. Victory!

Arrgh! There's this thin blonde whose legs go straight to her back who seems to spin so effortlessly while I heave and wipe sweat out of my eyes and consider throwing up. I hate her. I imagine falling off my bike, I imagine the fire alarm going off, I imagine time going faster, I imagine quitting but somehow that doesn't happen. After class, the instructor says she feels like a million bucks after it's over, I say I feel like a buck fifty.

One day this will seem easy, right? Hubby tells me that he's proud of me for what it's worth. Mmmm, thanks. And in the meanwhile, what's life going to be like? I don't know. I'm starting to feel this feeling of yearning for a child again. It hurts again. That loss of what might have been.

Yesterday, I opened up my old journal, read some entries from 2003. I was stunned. It was like a veil of memory lifted. I wrote about how I knew my husband wasn't attracted to me, how I was disgusted with myself and how much I hated how much brain space this was all taking up. How it was difficult to get pregnant if we didn't have sex very often. How no matter how hard I tried to lose weight, I couldn't and it made it hard to stay motivated, I was constantly being pulled in other directions. How he would just smoke dope every fucking day with the neighbour and play video games for hours, despite my protestations so I just stuffed candy in my mouth to fill up the bottomless hole. Holy cow. Talk about living in denial. We moved through crisis through crisis taking care of everything else but us. I had goals, I had dreams, but few were achieved. So I think I concentrated on other things and sought satisfaction elsewhere.

I've got a follow up appointment with the doctor to discuss my blood tests results and I fucking hope I don't have a problem with my insulin levels. Diabetes runs in my family and it generally comes later in life and I'm fucking terrified of it. That alone should motivate me to take care of myself.

So while he is away in Europe on business, I will take this time for myself to move myself forward through this. The good part is that it makes much more sense to feel lonely when I actually am alone. I look forward to it actually.

Lurkers beware

Guess who read my blog? Yup, hubby was wondering what would happen to my blog now that we're putting the adoption on hold. Should have asked me, but instead he read my blog. He wasn't too impressed that I'm "airing our dirty laundry", but I after I gave it some thought, I chose to do it anyway. Women share some crazy shit and with the blog world of pseudonyms, we're apt to speak the naked truth. I've always been impressed how honest you bloggers are out there and what was I supposed to say? Hey, we're a little stressed, so we're putting things on hold, see ya later? No, I don't think so. Part of blogging is about exploring your feelings, so sometimes we don't make a lot of sense, but we figure it out eventually. Your camaraderie and virtual hugs are enough compassion to keep me going. In the depths of loss and grief, I searched and I searched for answers, for understanding and empathy and you were there.

So he was left with the impression that he was portrayed as the most evil husband out there. Which I don't agree with, I never said anything of the kind, I don't even think that. I told the truth as I saw it, as I experienced it. If that's all he got out of it, that's really sad. I was hoping that he could see things from my side. I haven't validated his feelings either, mind you. Too busy looking for answers, too busy being mad and hurt and rejected. If I had felt like he would truly listen and understand and stop being so frustrated(or angry), I might have told him to his face. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that he knows how much I feel rejected and unappreciated. I expect he wants the same. We're protecting our own selves. Pain turns us into wounded animals, lashing out while we tend our wounds. And who can hurt you most but the one you love? Hence, our disconnect.

Anyways, we actually went out later. So maybe I did get through to him just a little bit. We had a counselling session the next day. Oddly enough, the counsellor seems to think we have reason to hope, it's just going to take some time. Every time the universe pushed me to expand my capacity, I'm amazed I simply don't blow up.

By the way, a week of counting points, working out at 6:30 in the morning, walking like crazy, and I gained .8 lbs. It's enough to make me start eating Twizzelerators again. But I won't.

For me?

Thanks, Jenna, for the Blogger Flame of Fortitude! You made my day! I'd like to thank dementia, infertility, fibroids, my acting career, my marriage and my own shame and arrogance for getting me here! (Cue applause.)

Adversity gives you the opportunity for growth and awareness, appreciation and gratitude. I would have never known just how strong and flexible I could be. If I had not suffered, I could not offer true compassion to myself and others. Even in the depths of hell (suffering), Buddhahood can exist and it's possible to turn poison into medicine (or lemons into lemonade as PJ likes to say). I know that for a fact.

Now don't get me wrong, I'd rather not have all these "opportunities"; I was pretty happy without them. But no one can avoid problems in life. I don't want to be a self sacrificing martyr. That was my mother and see what she got for all that. And I've learned to find happiness in simple things. I can only control my reaction to whatever happens or whatever I make happen. I get to choose that. So I'll make a plan that doesn't rely on anyone else but me, stick to it and see what happens. Thank you! (cue music and applause)

Somebody needs a kick.....

Before I went out to chant, he and I started discussing shit again. He told me that he was angry/frustrated that we had let get things go for so long and now we were at this point. He asked me if I was angry with myself. I thought about it for a moment and replied no. If anything, I felt shame or disappointment with myself but not anger. I'm more angry at him. He didn't get that. Figures. Shame and ego keeps us from seeing clearly. I can let myself off the hook because all that we've both gone through haven't been excuses as he'd like to believe, but valid reasons why we were distracted. We're not perfect. I can forgive myself. I'm not going to beat myself up for past history. It's what matters now that is important. So if he wants to continue doing a post mortem of our marriage, then he's as good as gone. I warned him that he continued this mourning of years past, he would be better off not to drag me through this shit for nothing.

I had listened to our wedding CD the night when I went to bed. I didn't wail, I was thinking of happy memories, I was trying to remind myself of the good times. We've been together for 11 years, there've been a lot of good times. And I just wanted to feel better for a while.

And yes, I was definitely thinking, does he truly deserve me? He pointed out that if we had been having more sex years ago, we might have gotten pregnant because we haven't used birth control in years. Maybe, maybe not. We'll never know, will we? 'Cause my fucking youth is gone now. Can you believe it?! Thanks for that. And he wonders why I'm so pissed at him. And hurt.

After I had chanted with my Buddhist buddies, we chatted over green tea and talked a bit. One woman had finally kicked out her husband after years of infidelity, the other talked about her struggles to maintain balance in her family and marriage and the other,a demure but wise Japanese young woman was a new mum. They understood so well of what I was going through. I finally realized that I just didn't how to keep true to myself and be married at the same time. I had been taught by my mum how to take care of others and sacrifice myself, put myself and my needs on the back burner. Family was what mattered, not me. I lost my drive and my energy through events I just could not control. And that stuff I could control, I simply chose not to. I was content to leave things as is.

Maybe I just picked the wrong guy. Maybe I just fooled myself into thinking that he would keep me safe and secure. He said all the right things and did all the right things. Because he loved me he protected me from things that he had no business in doing so. And then came to resent me for it. Maybe I was just trying to fill the hole that my father left in my life. Ah, fuck, no matter how much psycho babble you put to it, why is it that women are the ones who are left to keep things together?

Now when I get my groove back, what makes him so sure that I'll need him for anything? How on earth do women do this shit?! Arrrgh!!!

Nam myo ho renge kyo. Never be defeated by anything.

The Elephant in the Room

I started to feel like I was coming undone yesterday. Had a crying jab in the shower. I got my period as well. I was tired, but it was a beautiful day so I went for a little run just to see how I would do. My bladder ached, but I kept at it. The fibroids press a bit on my bladder so jogging is very uncomfortable activity, especially if I have any liquid in me. I may have to just settle for a brisk walk. I just have to remember that when I first started training to run for a 10 km, it was difficult at first, but it got easier. I can do this. This is good for me.

Life never ceases to amaze me. My friend asked me to appear in a documentary about women and how they deal with their self identity, their bodies and health. She asked me had I ever been judged by my weight and appearance. I had to hold back a laugh. I tried not to get too personal, but I had to admit that men often believe that they women they marry should stay exactly the same as the day they met them. I wish I could have stayed the same. Back then, I had no one to worry about than myself. I didn't cook meat and potatoes 5 nights a week, I went to the gym rather than spend time with a boyfriend, I danced the weekend away with friends, I didn't spend 3 days a week hanging out with a demented mother, wasn't responsible for her physical and financial well being, I wasn't infertile and didn't spend months injecting myself with hormones and popping pills and having my blood drawn. I was far too busy running from temporary office jobs to auditions, to bars and parties and theatre shows. I took the bus in the rain and rode my bike, and had popcorn for dinner. I didn't have money for junk food and even if I did, I would have spent it on something pretty. I was having far too much fun to worry about weight. I was not model thin, but I only cared about my career and keeping a roof over my head. Ah, the single life. Getting drunk and eating pasta with salad dressing.

You know, looking back on things, I realized that I was always a great cheerleader for someone other than myself. Earlier this week in counselling, my husband was telling the counsellor about his career progression. And I was amazed that he didn't mention my part in any of it. It was like he had done it completely on his own. Like I was never there. So when we went back on Friday, I corrected that. Went back down history lane and reminded him that I was there every step of the way, supporting the decisions that he always consulted with me. I reminded him that he received all his recent jobs because of people he knew, friends of mine to be specific. Not to take away his accomplishments, he always worked hard and learned quickly, and taken quite a lot of crap so that he could provide for us. I was and am so proud of him. I always knew he was a natural born leader. I guess I forgot to take care of myself over the years. Just sloughed it off. Not sure when I decided to do that to myself. I'm sure it was even before my mother got sick. Somewhere along the line I couldn't quite figure out how to be married, go for my dreams and make everyone happy at the same time. I put it aside because it freaked me out I guess and I ate Dairy Queen right along with him. It was fun. No one had to put a gun to my head to eat a hot fudge sundae. And it was great not to have to worry about working at shitty jobs to pay the rent. I liked it. He shouldered the load so I didn't have to anymore. Sure we argued about money, but he would relent and tell me what I wanted to hear. I did the laundry, cooked the meals and made sure his ass never touched a dirty toilet seat.

And so what if the gigs slowed down, and the pressure of dealing with my mother had us eating more takeout than not. I quit going to the gym after the first IVF attempt. Those pesky appointments got in the way. We were married right? We would always be there for one another, no matter what. Oh my gosh, I should be on Oprah as one of the many women who "let themselves go". I actually had the audacity to let life get to me and I focused on other things and other people. I gave up and just struggled to get by. I wasn't unhappy, mind you. I had a lot to be grateful for. Mmmmm, does that strike a chord for any woman out there?

Well, I'm not in denial any more. There's a big fat elephant in the room, and how on earth did I miss that?

Married,but not really.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I've been so busy lately, it's been an emotional week. I haven't slept much. Or eaten much. But I guess that's a good thing. I've been trying to figure out what steps to take. Odd to be on your 6th anniversary (yesterday) and be attending marriage counselling.

It was an interesting day. I was up early,went to meet my former personal trainer. I had gone to his website to find out his rates, quickly decided I couldn't afford it, but put my name in for a contest for free personal training. He emailed me back right away and asked me how I was doing. I said my career sucks and so does my marriage. He said come in for a free session. So that's where I went. We chatted, I worked out, he gave me thoughtful tips and said he understood my situation and asked me how important was it that I get healthy again. He asked me if I was really ready to do this. No pressure, either, to use his services. Of course, my husband doesn't think that much of him; I had used him before(cause I wanted to lose weight before I got pregnant, hah!), I had lost weight, 10 lbs as a matter of fact, but I guess he didn't notice or think he was that effective. I don't care what he thinks on that matter. When I told him I had gone for a workout, he was just concerned that I was spending more money for no results. He can't quite figure out why I can't do this alone. I told him that if I could have done it on my own, I would have done it already. I don't particularly enjoy being overweight and out of shape, but I guess it took negative reinforcement to get me going again. And yes, it has occurred to me that it isn't really about my weight. I'll find out soon enough though.

After we had our homestudy visit (we discussed parental philosophies), we should have received Oscars by the way, we went out for dinner. He hadn't eaten all day. After the first glass of wine (red, low cal) I reached out to touch his face. He looked so handsome, even though he was tired and sad. I had to remind myself to pull my hand back. I still loved him and wanted him so bad, it almost took my breath away. You know, he actually sent me flowers? Yeah, after I bawled my eyes out, I resisted the urge to throw them in the trash. And a card, and a gift certificate at my favourite spa. I had to laugh, cause I got him a massage certificate at the same place. Figured he could use some stress relief. I certainly wasn't going to give him one. No card, though. Couldn't find one that said I know you don't want to have sex with me, but it's okay, I'm a Buddhist, we have no attachment to physical desire card.

I'm glad we're putting the adoption on hold after the homestudy. He was right to suggest that. Having a child doesn't fix an unfulfilling marriage. I just would have put all my focus on the child. A child shouldn't have to bear that weight.

I'm still angry, but anger can be very clarifying for me. It clears the head, blows a lot of the dust away. It's energizing as long as it's focused. I just have to keep moving forward and not get stuck in it. If one gets stuck in anger, it inevitably turns to depression. I may have to take up kickboxing, though.

My intention is to fight for my marriage though. Hopefully it will turn out better than the getting pregnant idea. If he wanted to go to therapy, that's a good sign. He didn't have to go. He could have had an affair and let me pack his bags. It was his idea to do 2 appts a week since he leaves on another business trip soon. I didn't set the ground rules, I know, but I'll be a winner no matter what. I'm going to try to go to sleep, I got an early appt with Weight Watchers. And then another delightful session with the marriage counsellor. If you lose water weight due to crying, does that count?

Houston, we have a problem.....

You might want to take a look at the side panel "About Me" and notice that I've remove the "happily" to the married part. Apparently we're not, just me. Well, I've been very careful not to blog about my marriage in detail as that was not the purpose of this blog. I also didn't think it was very nice to splash my wifely complaints out there, you never know who might read it. Like my husband, for instance. And I may not even post this or post it for very long. But I need to write about this. I need it.

Last Friday evening, my husband returned home from a business trip, I was out having a drink with some girls after a workshop. I knew he would be exhausted and would probably be asleep in no time, so I called to welcome him home and inquire if he had any of the delicious veggie curry I had made for him before I went out.

The next morning before I had my morning coffee, he let me know that he was unhappy with our marriage, our financial situation and wanted to halt the adoption. He was willing to finish the homestudy, as it was good for a year.

Blink. Blink.

He was very emotional, crying, staring into my eyes as he unburdened himself. Frankly, I think I was waiting for the confession of infidelity. I didn't get that, but something that caused me to feel shame. And fury. Remember that issue I had with the questionnaire about the sexual difficulties box? How I just couldn't let it go? And I blamed the lack of our sex life on fatigue and cold sores and what not? Well, alarm bells were set off in him. He saw the light. And for the past few weeks, he's been crying, talking to friends and decided to stop lying to himself and me. He loves me, but he's not "in love" with me. You know, as in not being physically attracted to me, as in not wanting to fuck me. And that's been the case for years. And he doesn't want to be the sole breadwinner either. He's been working for 3 weeks straight without a day off and he's really stressed out.

Now this isn't a new problem. It's an old one actually. He said these things about a year before we were married. Now when he told me about his displeasure with me gaining 20 lbs, I threw myself on the floor, sobbed my guts out and asked him to leave because I couldn't bear the sight of him. I accused him of not truly loving me, of being shallow, blah, blah, and raged for 3 days to myself before we went to counselling. We had talked about what we had in common, how we could build intimacy, and then I was promptly diagnosed with depression and I continued counselling on my own. I was definitely the not wanting to get out of bed, moving in a cloud depressed. I took some happy pills and between counselling and chanting, I was able to go off them in less than 6 months. We went to Bali on vacation, had a great time, had lots of sex and we were so happy. We continued to fight about money, especially if I wasn't booking gigs and making lots of money. I worked sporadically doing office work, and the year we got married, I had booked lots of gigs and could contribute to our wedding costs. We did not borrow a dime from anyone.

Our 6th wedding anniversary is on the 7th. I'm 40 lbs heavier than I was I used to be. Throughout my mother's condition and our infertility, I self medicated (with food), we both did. What's a few DQ Blizzards between a husband and wife? I stuck to my guns about being being available for auditions, continued my typing in the evenings, but never followed up in developing that business further. He said he admired me for pursuing my dreams and that he would support me in that. And he has. Until now.

So he admitted his part in "enabling" me. He said he just couldn't go on like this and that he believes that by being honest with me, he's doing the right thing. He deserved to be happy and that he want to feel passion for me like he once did. And that I deserved to be happy too. I admitted that I just just given up as far as the sex thing. As for the money issue, I enjoyed "being taking care of". With my flexible schedule, I would be able to be there for a child in the way that I wanted to be. I loved being able to go to acting class, visit my mum, do Buddhist activities. And sporadically, even the gym.

We're known to everyone we know to be such a strong couple, solid as a rock. Our love and admiration for each other was apparent to everyone who met us. What a joke!

So what did I have to say to all of this, you might be wondering. Didn't I know there was something wrong? Yes, but I had gotten used to being rejected. Rejected in a subtle sort of way. And when I had the courage to ask him if he was still attracted to me, he would say yes. I told him so many times that I felt like a comfortable old shoe to him. He would brush that concern aside. Even as recent as a couple of weeks ago, I told him again that I felt really bad about myself and was feeling as we weren't connecting. He brushed it aside again and left for another business trip.

I've tried a few times over the weekend to talk to him. I didn't leave to go stay at a friends, nor did I ask him to leave. I'm not the same woman I used to be. That's actually a good thing for me. He has a problem listening, because he interrupted me every single time. No, I have to use "feeling" words, don't accuse him, that's not true. I stopped talking. I listened for hours as he's told me over and over again what he needs from me. I don't think I got even two minutes of airtime for myself. So I talked to my girlfriend. That was a relief.

I called a marriage counsellor. He actually suggested it but agreed to go to the one who had helped me deal with the grief and the very same one we went to years ago. Now, these are the questions I have in my head. If I lose 40 lbs and work more (for the sake of my marriage) will it be enough? Can I actually do it, do I even want to? What has been true about our marriage? Every day, every single day for years, this man has told me has loves me, calls me throughout the day to say he's been thinking about me, brings me flowers, takes care of me when I'm sick, takes me on vacations, talks well of me to his friends, tells me I'm beautiful to my face. I know where he is at all times, not because I ask, but because he tells me. What do I have to sacrifice? Do I even have to make sacrifices or are they true benefits? Did I give up on myself somewhere along the line? Does this man love me or the "idea" of me?

Okay, enough, I'm not getting any richer or skinnier by writing this. Later.

Maybe I need meds.....

Okay, it's been crazy busy for me the last couple of weeks. I actually had 4 auditions in a row and then some typing work. Wow, that's pretty busy for me these days. And also my hubby was in and out of town twice in a week and then he left again for Toronto yesterday for one day. So I had double duty with my dog and my mum. I took them both for a walk yesterday afternoon. Then off to a to attend a two evening business of acting/personal coaching workshop. Oh, yeah, and I'm casting a play.

So I decide to make my hubby a comforting curry vegetable dish for when he comes home. He's been very tired and run down and preoccupied with work lately, so I really wanted to welcome him home with the smell of a lovely curry dish to warm his belly. And it went well, but it was a bit of a pain because I have no running water in the kitchen. Before he knew he had to leave, I did mention that maybe we should get a plumber to fix the leaky kitchen faucet (which got worse after he tampered with it), but as soon as I said that I realized it that he was just going to take that as a challenge - what and pay over $100 just to fix a leaky faucet and then pay for parts?! Nooooo, I'll just take a little look and see.... fast forward to a dismantled faucet in pieces that will have to wait til he gets back and ...... sigh. So for 2 days, I've been carrying water back and forth from the bathroom and washing dishes and cleaning mushrooms and various vegetables in my spa tub. And boiling water to clean the sink. I mean "it's not like we don't have enough faucets and water in the apartment". I'm not cooking this weekend or any other time, until I get my kitchen sink back, one way or the other.

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I have to tell you this... a couple of weeks ago, I lost my cell phone. Yeah, I know. Horribly, horribly inconvenient. With all my precious numbers for all the precious people I know. I searched high and low, driving around to all the places I had been and of course, that day, I had been to about 5 different places, but nada. So because my stupid 3 year contract is over at the end of the year, my only options were to get a new cell phone for free - which meant I had to sign another 3 year contract or use an old cell phone I had in the back of my drawer. It's an old bar phone with a light up green screen and I can't text with it. Nor does it vibrate or have a silent ringer. Either way, I had to pay a bill for 2 more months, phone or no phone. I don't intend of staying with my current carrier. Why couldn't they just give me a loaner phone? Why not? Because they're bastards, that's why. And then they'll pester me with dinner time phone calls trying to get my business back even though I've been a loyal customer for years.

Anyways, earlier this week, I misplaced my hat, which I love, it's the best reversible cozy hat I have for wet weather. I searched all over the apartment, I usually just leave it on the coat rack in the foyer. I kept looking there as if it had temporarily rendered itself invisible. It was just one of those days, when I felt unsettled all day. On edge. I sat in my bedroom closet and cried. Just sobbed my guts out. I thought there was something terribly, terribly wrong with me. When you have a mother with dementia, every lost or misplaced item, brings on a wave of nauseous fear that you too are losing it and pretty soon you'll have to post notes all around the house and check the knobs on the gas stove 10 times before you leave the house. Then I cleaned the house and put everything in its place. I calmly recalled the last occasion I had to wear it and then I figured I left it at a directors' meeting. I had dashed out to pick up my husband at the airport. I emailed the producer and sure enough, it was there. She had spoken to me earlier but had forgotten to tell me! She said it was "baby brains" (she had a kid earlier this year.)

Tonight, I went out after the workshop with the girls to have a drink and some sushi and went I went to pay my bill with my debit card, I realized I didn't have it. Had another one, so I paid the bill and left. Yes, I looked all around my messy purse, but I always leave it in the same place in my card stuffed wallet. I came home, looked around the purse, checked two other purses and then decided to check my web banking to confirm when I had last used it. At a gas station. Checked my wallet again and it dawned on me that my air miles card was also missing. Okay, no panicking and fear this time, just mentally retraced my steps. Yes, I had used both cards to prepay at a gas station and then - you guessed it - slipped them into the pocket of another ooat. Checked the pockets and there they were. Had I been in a rush? Of course. When am I not?

Here's the clincher - we scheduled our next social worker appointment on our wedding anniversary. And I figured it out yesterday. Sigh. We need a break.

Maybe I should be on the lookout for other perimenopausal, potential adoptive, infertile women. Where do they hang out again?